Shadows

It is day 8 of my 40 days of prayer. I rather not go into detail as to what that entails because me writing this is not a testament to devoting yourself to 40 days of prayer. What I will say is that, devoting yourself to such a convenient with God leaves you vulnerable. To what you ask? bad energy that trys every day to knock you off your block, so the 40 days are less like a peaceful walk down the shore of a beach, and more like trying to find your way deep in the forest. Every detour feels like a step back, you feel like your circling the same patch of grass every single day and when you think you see a glimpse of light, you are reminded that it is midnight and light you thought you saw was probably your mind pleading with your hearts desire to have at least a glimpse of hope amongst the darkness. What I do not understand is while I have a desire in my heart to pray, to expand my vision, to trust in God that he will provide for those I have in my prayers and me during this very sensitive time in my life, I find my self becoming in patient. I presume this is testament to my life. I am inpatient person, I need to see that whatever it is that I am doing is working right when I start it or else I feel like it is not.

Of coarse God does not work in this fashion. He has a plan and a divine order to how things should play out and I know that it is in my best interest that I have patience and confidence in the power of God. Pastor made reference to this when he read a scripture that explains that God has to work through man kind, it is not that he is purposely trying to have us wait for the sake of waiting, but because he has to move others in way that will, in result, open doors and blessings for us. This is how my God blesses me. I know this, but I am human and I am trying so sometimes I retreat back to my old ways of thinking. These are the times I must pray more diligently for God's hand to guide me through this time, for his presence to be known in myself and for my heart to be restored.

I constantly feel as if the work I am doing is not enough, and I can assume that it is not. That’s God speaking to me telling me to stop sitting around waiting him to just through things in my lap. Everything must be earned and I know meeting him half way will be more of blessing for me in the long run than him just giving me everything I ask for.

Little tidbits of wisdom, mostly to myself.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

-MeMe

Black Butterfly

Today, like most days is quiet interesting. In order for me to escape the mundane of it all I figure that today is just a small lesson getting me closer to the blessing.
Last night, I found my self disheveled, quite distressed, after a conversation I had with my boyfriend. It seems to be an up hill battle I am noticing as it relates to black beauty. Back drop: My mother and father have been separated ever since I can remember and he has been in a relationship with his current wife since I was about five or six. She is a Puerto Rican woman, very pretty with long black hair and fair skin. This to me is what black men deem as beautiful; my father at least deems this as beautiful. My mother, beautiful brown skin woman, brilliant, witty, funny, a little crazy at times, but this I believe developed over time but for the most part truly a beautiful woman. However, the first man I would ever come to know believes or has a preference for women who look “ less African”.

Nonetheless this never affected as a young child. I unlike most dark skin women, loved being dark. I mean my best friend was light skin and I always thought I was the lucky one. We would lay out in the park under the sun, her to get a tan, me to let the sun kiss my skin because I swore it loved me better.
I saw dark women and thought they were so exotic, it was something about them that I absolutely loved, yet the older I got the more I began to realize that everyone did not hold the same sentiment. I grew up in my own world, I made my own rules and never had I felt the lesser of the two skin tone until I met my ex-boyfriend. Do you know this fool reminded me regularly how he always dated light skin girls, how his mother would always joke about how he loved...you guessed it Puerto Rican girls. Me, I was the exception, may be it was my white girl voice, or non aggressive personality that allowed me to slip in, whatever the case I was his token. This fool honestly thought he was light skin; This is not so by any rate. Yet he made me feel lesser of the two. Stupid

Any way in an attempt, again, to go against the grain I went natural and if there is one thing a dark skin girl is vowed to never do is go natural. What ever, I did it anyway and I loved it, I loved me. I still do. I am not a conformist, never have been, never will be. But, that was before boys, that were before relationships, that was before hormones, and before I was exposed to the media. Before, I was spoon fed what beauty was, before the beyonces, before the chritinna milians, before the mya's, before school days. About that... would you believe the first time I saw that movie I laughed because I had no idea what they were talking about. My freshman year in college I saw this movie and honestly wondered if this was real "did light skin girls really think they were the prize, were dark skin girls really that insecure about their skin color...are they serious?

I digress. Like I said that was before the boys. This is where the feminist comes out because I honestly believe that if black women weren't so hung up on black men...as black men are not so hung up on us, then we will save ourselves a lot of headache. There is obviously a deeper "self hatred" that occurs in black men and their diligence to not want to date women that look, in most cases, like their mothers, who are dark skin women. Understand, that it is not that I believe if a black man dates a light skin woman he is suffering from self hatred it is however those that swear that the lightness of ones skin makes them a better choice which to me is psychotic. For example, I may have a preference for successful men, but that is not to say I only date succesful men beacause they are better. I will not prevent my self the opportunity of missing out on a great love just beacause the package is different. Having preferences is innate in us, this is the obvious. What is not healthy however is saying that a light skin woman or other nationalities are better mates because they look less African, nothing having to do with who they are as people execpt that they look less African.

Maybe that leaves me out of the race; I say what ever to that because I want to look as African as possible really. I refuse to allow black men and the media to distort my idea of beauty and pull me into their psychotic rationale. At the same token, I recognize that not all black women feel as I do, and that some really suffer from this internally, forcing them to make bad relationship decisions, have low self esteem, and the most damaging, a feeling of no self worth. Like in some way because they are mores "African" looking they are some how cursed to have no one find them beautiful. This is simply not the truth, what I think the best advice is to give these women is recognize they were made in the image of God and that is beautiful, your self worth and self esteem, love of ones skin completion should not come from a man *literally but God. If black women can get pass that they will notice that simply changing the scenery will provide them with the love and support they deserve
-MeMe

GOD IS LOVE

For the past three days I've been embarking on a 40 day prayer with God. I have committed myself to 40 minutes a day for 40 days and thus far I can not even articulate the blessing that have been occurring in my life. The people around me are blessed, I am blessed, and it is a beautiful feeling. I am learning both through my 40 days of prayer and reading " Your best life now" that I must expand my vision and see my life being as God would see it. Filled with love, happiness, freedom and peace. Let me tell you, this is not as easy as it sounds as live in society that constantly reminds us of how limited we are. But " Greater is his he that is in us than he that is in the world". However I must constantly be reminded of this on a daily basis. The biggest vision I know god is working on as we speak is my desire to have a loving and long lasting relationship. One that is without separation filled with undeniable/unconditional love that stands the test of time. One that is built on Gods word and foundation. I know that there is a very real possibility I am currently experiencing the love of a man that can very well be this vision, but God is testing my faith to believe in him that he will provide such a man. Which he has, yet I will not lie, I have to work everyday not to foster seeds of doubt, or thoughts of " Is this too good to be true"? or is this really him? or This is coming to soon moving to fast am I doing the right thing? Yet through my faith which is growing more and more everyday I realize that what I have in my life occurred not by my works, there was nothing I did to have this, but God who order my steps and allowed us to be,not just physically, but emotionally, spiritually, and mentally in the right place at the right time. What I feel is like no other love I have ever felt, it mirrors how I've grown to love and trust God and being that God is love I know in the depths of me that what we have is of God. Hmmm I'll let that sink in

Don't panic I am not pregnant. I felt like I had to put that out there first.

Graduation is next week Friday and while most are excited to embark on this journey, this new chapter of life, I on the other hand feel like I am falling. Not so much out of control put falling nonetheless. The thought of life after college has cast a dark cloud over this traveler and stripped me of my ambitious spirit. What I do not understand is why? Why am I so scared to start a new life, starting over, running away living by own rules is my dream. Yet when I think about not having the safety net of college I find myself overwhelmed with emotion. All I want is the ability to experience the beauty in life not the mundane 9 to 5 life style. This inevitably is what my near future is looking like. No worries as there is a flicker of silver lining.

I realized in the past four years that I am a little different and I struggle a lot because a part of wants the experience the world while the other half wants to be financially stable and have that amazing job. I want to wear a suit during the day absorbing knowledge teaching then laying on the beach at night or looking out at the wilderness, writing,growing a garden, raising a puppy. I want it all! I want my cake and I want to eat it too! which I believe is possible I just have yet to figure out how exactly this shall occur.

As I lay in this warm place I am comforted.

Knowing that when I am asleep you are with me, and when

I awaken you love me, shelter me from the harsh realities that are soon to come.

While I lay here listening to your soft voice, dreaming while you rub your belly

I imagine what it would be like to touch you, to see you, to hear your voice

Unbeknown to me you were teaching me the great lesson

You can't be here forever...

life has to begin it matters not if your ready

So I keep my hand steady

Trying desperately...to stop the walls from caving in,

I felt the cold stream of air before it ever touched my skin

Life must not be easy

I miss your warmth already, but it matters not it I am ready

life has to begin

inevitably

I'm Sorry I can't be perfect

So the worst and dumbest thing I could have ever done I did. No need to be explicit about the situation because the damage has been done. What I don't understand is the reason why I did it. Honestly, I believe there is some little mean bad Melissa that lives in me and trying to sabotage everything I work so hard to have, and for what? I presume to keep me alone. I hate to say this but relationships really change you. Gene defiantly changed me. Three years ago I would have never done such a thing, I would feel guilty just having it cross my mind, but because of the amount of disappointment I have faced I have inevitably become a disappointment to someone whom I truly care about. Someone I respect and admire, someone who in a span of a few months has figured me out enough and still decided to stick around for the ride. Yet with all that, I still feel numb sometimes and not trusting in what we have because I have been fooled before in believing in a person. So I guess in some ways I tried to bet him to the punch by being a disappointment first before he got a chance to do it me. Was this my thought process? not at the time, I wasn't thinking! may be if I was I wouldn't be where I am now. I feel like shit really. I know this will forever be a chapter in our book that will never, never have an ending and why? because.....of disappointment

BE

Funny how life decides to play itself out. Planting small seeds of happiness, leaving it up to us to nurture and grow. WHAT A RESPONSIBILITY! It is nonetheless an adventure, to have GOD place in our lives what we've always been praying for, just to see if everything he has taught us we will apply.

I think I will try.

I just to happen to have been given a seed and I honestly believe it was meant for me to have. I've dreamt of the moments we shared before they ever occurred and then just like that...it happened I was sitting in a reoccurring dream, only it was really happening.

I love the moments. I live for these moments :)

Growing the Fro

A friend told me that she read an article about going natural and how it is a catalyst to a clearer self image. The article she read to me talked about a time when the "fro" symbolized a revolution, a time when all African Americans became self aware and connected to their inner "god". Unfortunately, as soon as the "perm" look became the norm we lost that. Our entire lives became devoted to looking less like our selves and more like everyone else.

I too was a victim of this mentality, believing my perm and long tracks were a extension of my being. How sad is that? to go through life constantly trying to conceal your true self. Every two-four weeks I went to the salon so that could chemically slap on a mask that I thought made me beautiful. That was until I decided I was done with being a slave to my hair, to those chemicals to those bloody tracks. I wanted to better connect with the true essence of ME. That is when I decided to go natural.

Ive only been natural for about 6 months but it has been one of the most exciting experiences to date. I love MY hair! The way it curls, the way it grows, how it smells when I wash it everyday, how soft it is after I condition it. Even the parts that give me the most grief I love. Like how it shrinks at the drop of moisture, how the back of hair grows faster than the front making styling a choir. It is all mine and I love it.

Strange, today I was going to write about children of absent fathers...ended up talking about how I love my hair. I love how God does that. Makes it possible so that I don't spend time saying woe is me, but inspires me to see the God in everything..


GOD IS TOTALLY BOSS,
meMe