Don't panic I am not pregnant. I felt like I had to put that out there first.

Graduation is next week Friday and while most are excited to embark on this journey, this new chapter of life, I on the other hand feel like I am falling. Not so much out of control put falling nonetheless. The thought of life after college has cast a dark cloud over this traveler and stripped me of my ambitious spirit. What I do not understand is why? Why am I so scared to start a new life, starting over, running away living by own rules is my dream. Yet when I think about not having the safety net of college I find myself overwhelmed with emotion. All I want is the ability to experience the beauty in life not the mundane 9 to 5 life style. This inevitably is what my near future is looking like. No worries as there is a flicker of silver lining.

I realized in the past four years that I am a little different and I struggle a lot because a part of wants the experience the world while the other half wants to be financially stable and have that amazing job. I want to wear a suit during the day absorbing knowledge teaching then laying on the beach at night or looking out at the wilderness, writing,growing a garden, raising a puppy. I want it all! I want my cake and I want to eat it too! which I believe is possible I just have yet to figure out how exactly this shall occur.

As I lay in this warm place I am comforted.

Knowing that when I am asleep you are with me, and when

I awaken you love me, shelter me from the harsh realities that are soon to come.

While I lay here listening to your soft voice, dreaming while you rub your belly

I imagine what it would be like to touch you, to see you, to hear your voice

Unbeknown to me you were teaching me the great lesson

You can't be here forever...

life has to begin it matters not if your ready

So I keep my hand steady

Trying desperately...to stop the walls from caving in,

I felt the cold stream of air before it ever touched my skin

Life must not be easy

I miss your warmth already, but it matters not it I am ready

life has to begin

inevitably

I'm Sorry I can't be perfect

So the worst and dumbest thing I could have ever done I did. No need to be explicit about the situation because the damage has been done. What I don't understand is the reason why I did it. Honestly, I believe there is some little mean bad Melissa that lives in me and trying to sabotage everything I work so hard to have, and for what? I presume to keep me alone. I hate to say this but relationships really change you. Gene defiantly changed me. Three years ago I would have never done such a thing, I would feel guilty just having it cross my mind, but because of the amount of disappointment I have faced I have inevitably become a disappointment to someone whom I truly care about. Someone I respect and admire, someone who in a span of a few months has figured me out enough and still decided to stick around for the ride. Yet with all that, I still feel numb sometimes and not trusting in what we have because I have been fooled before in believing in a person. So I guess in some ways I tried to bet him to the punch by being a disappointment first before he got a chance to do it me. Was this my thought process? not at the time, I wasn't thinking! may be if I was I wouldn't be where I am now. I feel like shit really. I know this will forever be a chapter in our book that will never, never have an ending and why? because.....of disappointment