White America has a Cold, Black America hasPneumonia

This evening CNN continues its documentary on Black In America. As I sit and watch the second installment of the series I feel a little on edge hoping and praying CNN and Soledad O'brien get it right this time. I say this because I, like many of my peers who felt so honored that CNN finally would devote a special on what is like to be Black in America were left confused, disappointed and angry because while the title so expressively states BLACK IN AMERICA, it felt more like “BLACK IN AMERICA….. for those that have never encountered an African American”. We were furious and immediately took to the blogs about how we felt this documentary did absolutely nothing to explain why the people interviewed were even in the situations they were in. While I am the last to wave the "woe is me" flag I do understand that as an African American growing up in a broken home, in a low income community, and attending a low income school plays a huge role in the future of African Americans. This is just a tip of the iceberg of the issues I had with the first Black In America documentary.

This year Ms.Obrien, who has absolutely no understanding or connection to the people she is documenting is attempting to revamp the once highly talked about series devoted to African Americans.

As I am writing this I am watching part two and what CNN deems the "hot topics" in the black community.

The show opens with what I believe the number one issue in the Black community and that is marriage, or lack there of. Nisa Muhammad, a counselor and motivator has devoted her life to this very cause, helping couples who are entering into marriage, currently married or on the brink of divorce. It is noted that while less African Americans are married and or stay married they also have the highest rate of children born out of wedlock. The focus couple is one that has been married for over 20 years who devotes their everything to their two very successful, smart, beautiful young women. The problem?

They are not communicating with one another and consequently are on the brink of divorce.

Now up until this point I was completely engaged. I wanted to learn more about how Nisa Muhammad was changing this epidemic occurring in the black community. I was ready to hear how single parent homes in the black community are rising every year and how this was affecting black children. I was ready to hear how the community as a whole puts very little emphasis on healthy relationships and how there are limited to any examples shown to our generation besides the Cosby’s of a functional, loving family structure. I was so ready to hear Ms. Obrien ask those hard hitting questions to Nisa Muhammad to find out how and why her methods were so successful, and finally I was ready to see single mothers, children growing up in single parent homes, the lack of counseling or even attention paid to this epidemic that is destroying our community. Yet, I was left with an empty interview about a couple that represents 10% of black marriages and two young girls that still have the luxury of mother and most importantly a devoted father.

The second story shed light on an African American young man convicted of a crime that was not disclosed who was trying to change his life. He was apart of a program that focuses on young men which attempts to assist them in re-entering society. The young man was taking college courses with a goal of obtaining a degree, he had a $10/hr full time job which he later quite because the hours were too long and the work was too hard. Unfortunately he was arrested for robbery. Now what was to be learned from this story? Again O'brien misses the mark.

Now, the series wasn’t all that bad because by the end of the show O'brien interviews two men Tyler Perry and the pioneer of the Harlem Children’s Zone. Both men who seemingly had the same humble beginings of the young brother I just mentioned took the little dream that they had for their community and transformed that very community, opening doors and smashing glass ceilings. What an inspiration! This is what Black In America ought to be about. Showing America the many road blocks that are set in place with the sole intent of creating failure and despair but despite it all there are those that succeed. And not just succeed for the sake of succeeding but who have a set goal to reshape the black community.

These stories are the only ones that took in depth look at the disparities faced by African Americans at the hands of those in power which only makes the accomplishments these two men are making the more outstanding and moving.

This entire series like the last one I will have to lacked in depth research and case studies that correlated with the topics. If a documentary is to be done on the many complexities of African Americans then an adequate amount of research must be done to back it up. Those that are watching the series are no more informed about African Americans and what it is like for us in America by this documentary and it saddens me that even after a years of preparation the same blue print was used but filled with different stories and a lack of connection between O’brien and those she was interviewing. Am I asking too much here? well maybe someone should.

The Man In The Mirror

During this time of great loss I would like to send my prayers first out to the Jackson family. Underneath the parade of antics that followed him he was still a son, a brother, a father and friend and to lose someone so dear to your heart is always devastating.

June 25,2009 Michael Jackson dies at the age of 50 from cardiac arrest

It is around 3 0r 4pm eastern time and the entire world is watching to find out if the great king of pop will recover from what was described as a cardiac arrest. He collapsed in his L.A home and was rushed to the hospital in a coma. We will soon learn in the coming hours that the UCLA doctors were unable to revive him and he ultimately passed away. The deep feeling of unbelief could be felt across the nation as his life chronicled from his infamous beginnings in the Jackson 5 to his untimely death at the age of 50. However, unlike the many who stood outside the hospital for hours and the fanatic fans who attempted to break into the hospital to get one last look at the Michael Jackson I sat on couch emotionless. I watched CNN, FOX, Local News, E true Hollywood story, bet and MTV and couldn't help but ask my self, Do they really feel as sad as they are portraying themselves to be?

Michael Jackson was a child molester. I do not think I realized how bad it was until I saw the case being played out on the E true Hollywood story that briefly shed light on the many allegations that followed him in the later part of his career.In the end he was exonerated on all counts but I was not surprised. As a victim of such abuse I do understand how hard it is to have to prove a case when it is your word against the abuser and the only evidence you have is the memories that are etched in your mind of the abuse inflicted on you by someone you trusted. In the court of law memories do not count for anything. However, after hearing snippets of the children he abused young and old I knew that this man was in fact a child molester. He had a bad spirit within in him and while he made wonderful music and broke racial barriers his actions towards young boys must not be forgotten. The world may sweep under the rug the man he truly was on the grounds that he was a great artist but the spirits he destroyed for the sake of his own pleasure must not.

This man was broken inside and it manifested in his many attempts to change his outward appearance but at the end of the day God knows the "true man in the mirror" may one day the world wake up and do the same.

Sometimes I feel like a fatherless child

Today is June 17, 2009 and while daughters and mothers frantically overcrowd their local Best Buy, Walmart, or Dillard's for the perfect fathers day gift my grandma,mother, sister and I will be continuing business as usual. We all have what you call an absent father. A man who hung around long enough to make us, but not long enough to shape us. It is for this reason why I write this. My aim is let go of the hate, resentment, anger, and sadness that comes with having an absent father. It is for the years of lessons I had to teach my self about love, intimacy, sex, relationships and men. I write for all of us " for colored girls who have considered suicide/when the rainbow is enuf".

I am third generation absent father child. My life was shaped by hands of woman who suffered deeply from a lifetime of bad decisions made on account that she had no real father figure in her life. With no love shown to her by her mother and no male remodel to build a foundation she stepped out into adult hood ambitious and determined to make the world her oyster. She very well could have had it not been for the emptiness all of us feel as we search for a father replacement. After having me I believe my parents broke up.

To not be a complete dead beat dad I suppose my parents arranged the weekend visits. They exchange were always in places like a parking lot, Miami subs, gas stations or my grandmothers and the worst part was that he was always late. I never arrived to this drop off with a father standing out side the car with open arms and excitement, it was always around 8 or 9 o'clock and my mother and I would be sitting in the car eating snacks talking listening to music or me sleeping and waiting to make my way out of the passenger seat of her car into the passenger seat of his. From that point, before I had a stepmother to babysit me I was taken to various women's houses and I stayed there on the weekend or on Saturdays watching movies, eating junk food or if I am lucky playing with their kids if they had some.

Over the course of the next 14 years this is how I balanced my time between my mother and father. As I became older his new wife began to have children, beautiful mixed girls that he adored. I was subjected to see my father be a father to his new children while taking steps further in the Shadow.

I share this story with you not to Villainize my father or my mother but to show you a cycle. A vivacious chain that connects families of women through the umbilical cord. It is unfortunate and an epidemic that continues to destroy very foundation of the black community. Until black men realize their significance in the lives of their daughters we will continue to give birth to young women that are lost and confused, unable to sustain a healthy relationships with men and will inevitable continue the cycle.

The future of black women

Studies have shown that when children grow up with a healthy family structure, meaning a family where love and respect are shown to both partners, the child will be seek relationship mirror the one they grew up with, I believe this to be true among all species. The same is true when a child is brought into this world without knowing how to develop and maintain meaningful and healthy relationships. This is a critical because black women it seems are the manifestation of what happens when fathers are missing and families are broken. They spend their whole lives searching for the love of a father. It matters not that what they are seeking will never be found and I truly believe in the depths of their souls they know this, but every time a man says I love you, holds them tighter than the last one did, kisses them on the forehead and maybe even holds their hand a little voice inside says " your getting closer".

The consequences of black women seeking and settling for a "daddy replacement" is another generation of fatherless girls why? because the men they decide to father children with never intended to stay long in the first place. To add insult to injury once the fairy tale is over they realize they never knew how to develop and maintain a healthy relationship in the first place. They never spent the time to know themselves to be to themselves what a father was supposed to be and teach themselves by any means necessary what a father is supposed to teach his daughter. Those lessons being
1) Your value comes from within not a man
2) Love your self first because men will always be around
3) Know you are worth more than a kiss on a check, a meal and movie, but that you deserve the world
4) Your man ought to always be there for you just as I have always been

etc ( I do not know what else because I was not taught these lesson but I digress)

To often I find prominent black actors, intellectuals, and public officials doing everything they can to save the black boys. Their are countless programs, after school activities, and even role models to teach African American boys how to step up and be better men. But What about the us? It matters not how "saved" these Young boys become because if African American girls do not learn how to value themselves completely and make better choices when choosing a partner the black community will continue to raise our future video vixxan, prostitute, and strippers.


I know this because I've lived it and continue to see my peers, highly educated black women, make the same mistakes when choosing their mate. They unconsciously recreate the only father/daughter relationship they've ever known. If the father was abusive they will date abusive men, if the father was absent they will date men who have a deep rooted issue with commitment, if their father divorced their mother right after birth started a new family they will have deep rooted insecurities of not feel good enough.


The damage is done regardless of how successful the young woman ever becomes. Until she makes the decision to break the generational curse, until she finds the God in her who never left her side she will have "daddy issue's" that will follow her until she pulls that root out of the ground and cast them over to God. The sad part of this entire saga is that it will take a woman who has taken the time to right the wrongs in within herself to truly overcome. It will take more women to take a hard look at themselves and their environment and make a change then teach us how we too can break this generational curse.


How are we to learn the difference between intimacy and sex? Love and lust? Endearment and convenience? How are we to know when a man truly loves us or is playing his best card? How are we to learn that self worth and self esteem do not come from the attention of men but our self? How are we to know that we deserve more than meal and movie? How are we supposed to know that our bodies are to be respected and not given in exchange for a warm embrace we never received from our fathers? These are lesson our fathers were to teach us, weather he loved our mothers enough or not, when they decided to lay down and conceive us they had an obligation to show us what true love is.

Solution

I am not to sure what the magic formula is to get over this mountain because I too still struggle with the loss. I am 22 and only recently started my journey of self discovery through God and he has guided me to the answers of my life. Which may not be the same for every young black girl. What I do know is someone, anyone, needs to do something about the downward spiral of our black girls. There needs to be combination of men and women to guide them because taking girls from single parent home into programs that completely run by women can only do so much. It is still missing the male figure or at least a blueprint.

Black women hold the key to resurrect the black community, the truth lies in our bellies and unless we awaken ourselves to this truth we will forever be lost.

Hello Morning

This morning was rough. I woke up late from staying up until almost 4am the night before. Studying you ask? well not really. Partying? that would have been nice, but no. How about watching an HBO movie? hmm done it once but not last night. Last night I was up until 4am trying to understand another human being. Then, after all of that I wake up this morning late for work and exhausted. Dragging through every mundane activity that being up at 7am brings. Thankfully I at least got into my car and on my way but before I left I prayed. Dear God! something’s got to give! SOMETHING’S GOT TO GIVE HERE

To give you some insight. I believe we are all spirits in the form of a body sent here to learn and become closer to God everyone has a great work to do, everyone has a lesson to learn, everyone is seeking God trying to understand who we are in him. We are so lost as a human race that we can not even see who we really are, what are purpose is for existence and it hurts me sometimes.

After I made that prayer to God asking him for guidance asking him what is it that he is wanting to see? and Why it is so hard to have people experience the God I feel exists in soul the feeling that goes beyond the bible beyond the doctrines beyond laws beyond the rules and regulations of the church and religion. I sealed my prayer and started an 8 minute drive to work. On the drive I listened on my audio book to Joel Osteen speaking about sewing a seed, being a blessing. He taught that when you’re feeling upset or hurt or like the world around you is falling apart, take your attention off yourself and try and sew a seed in someone else. Very helpful don't you think...so here comes the test.

Some of you may be familiar with face book honesty box feature, but for those that are not I will example to you the feature then the incident. First Face book is social networking utility used by many of people in my generation which is between 18 to 25. The honesty box is a feature that was added about two years ago that allows you to write someone an anonymous message. It is really that simple. So if you ever felt like telling someone you had a crush on them or if you think their ugly or your in love with them etc. you could send it to them and they would never know who it was. Pretty cool right? Not right! This application just allowing very angry people, myself included, to send out messages to say all the those people that ever crossed us, giving them a piece of our mind. It was quiet convenient. However, after about 6 months people stopped using it, I mean it is pretty lame and it got old fast.

Now I am not sure what compelled me to look at my emails while driving this morning because I never do that, normally I am eating oatmeal while driving but like I said I was late. Yet this morning I looked through my message and long behold I receive an Honest box message. The note was not complete in my Gmail thus requiring me to log into face book find the application and read the message. Now, like I said before HB messages are about 98% always going to be directed at you, but this one wasn't. It was a mass message ( I could tell that it wasn’t just sent to me) destroying the character of someone I knew quiet well.
I pulled into work, again looking up to God asking why? What is this? But I remembered what I had just learned and instead of reacting with retaliation I wrote the individual about the God I know. I told them I could not understand why their spirit was so broken that they felt compelled to do such a thing, that I would pray that the find God's light and love and stop being a tool for bad spirits to use for destruction. I asked them to pray that God reveals to them how powerful words are, and how what they were doing was using a gift from God that has great power to potentially destroying another human beings spirit.

Thus, bringing me why I am even writing this because this is the overall struggle that I have been dealing since my freshman year. In the beginning I was told that the my beliefs in a loving God whom I do not believe in the depths of soul wants us to waste our lives condemning others or passing judgment, or even telling others what God approves of and does not approve of was because my studies on the faith were limited. Understandable. So at 19 I started studying, stoped and then started again at 21. However, through my studying, and reading, and praying for understanding, peace, knowledge, and for his face and his will and message to me be known to me has not changed. The faith I have in the depths of my soul has not changed, in fact it is stronger because "the word" many tried to use to dispel this understanding I have only made it stronger.

I implore people to who may disagree greatly and believe God is judging what has been created out of him and in the end only will admit a particular bunch (interesting how everyone thinks they are “that particular bunch) to look to young children like mattie jt stepanek that are suffering so much physically but has god in them, a god that was not created out of religion or doctrine or rules or laws but a God that lives within him. His view on life, purpose, love and God is so pure powerful and if more people saw that they too would see that it is profitless to consuming ourselves WWJD as it relates to gays, or Muslims, or a particular sect of Christianity, rapist, murders, or people who just make bad decisions, sinners and those that condemn sinners. What is important is that we have been given the gift of life, God is in us wanting us to see that we are pieces of him made to share this with the world out of love not fear.

Everyone at the end of the day has a choice to make, this is what I believe God has been trying to tell me all along. That everyone has a purpose and a particular lesson that he has placed on our hearts to work towards and no one can take that away from us. All we have is a seed God has given us to plant and we will ultimately reap what we saw. If I plant a seed of fear I will grow fear if I plant a seed of hate I will produce hate if I plant a seed of condemning or unrightfully judging another image of god (a person) I will reap people unrightfully judging and condemning me. It is that simple, it really is I think.

I charge anyone that comes across this to at least think about that. Ask yourself what am I planting today? and understanding that this seed grows not only all around us and for our benefit but to show to the world that God is real, and like me loves you. I know it sounds a little far fetched to some, and I know that those that believe God would rather us spend our days on earth stoning people at the stack with our words and condemnation of their existence in attempt to bring them to God are working in his will. But why? how much sense does it make to stone people knowing that one day you too will be stoned? and in the end no one will see God. No one will seek the understanding of and image of God.

This is what God compelled me to write today.

Mattie's poem When I die ( part II)

When I die, I want to be A child in Heaven.
I want to be A ten-year-old cherub.
I want to be A hero in Heaven,

And a peacemaker,

Just like my goal on earth.

I will ask God if I can Help the people in purgatory.

I will help them think,

About their life,

About their spirits,

About their future.

I will help them Hear their own Heartsongs again,

So they can finally See the face of God,

So soon.

When I die,

I want to be,

Just like I want to be

Here on earth.

Shadows

It is day 8 of my 40 days of prayer. I rather not go into detail as to what that entails because me writing this is not a testament to devoting yourself to 40 days of prayer. What I will say is that, devoting yourself to such a convenient with God leaves you vulnerable. To what you ask? bad energy that trys every day to knock you off your block, so the 40 days are less like a peaceful walk down the shore of a beach, and more like trying to find your way deep in the forest. Every detour feels like a step back, you feel like your circling the same patch of grass every single day and when you think you see a glimpse of light, you are reminded that it is midnight and light you thought you saw was probably your mind pleading with your hearts desire to have at least a glimpse of hope amongst the darkness. What I do not understand is while I have a desire in my heart to pray, to expand my vision, to trust in God that he will provide for those I have in my prayers and me during this very sensitive time in my life, I find my self becoming in patient. I presume this is testament to my life. I am inpatient person, I need to see that whatever it is that I am doing is working right when I start it or else I feel like it is not.

Of coarse God does not work in this fashion. He has a plan and a divine order to how things should play out and I know that it is in my best interest that I have patience and confidence in the power of God. Pastor made reference to this when he read a scripture that explains that God has to work through man kind, it is not that he is purposely trying to have us wait for the sake of waiting, but because he has to move others in way that will, in result, open doors and blessings for us. This is how my God blesses me. I know this, but I am human and I am trying so sometimes I retreat back to my old ways of thinking. These are the times I must pray more diligently for God's hand to guide me through this time, for his presence to be known in myself and for my heart to be restored.

I constantly feel as if the work I am doing is not enough, and I can assume that it is not. That’s God speaking to me telling me to stop sitting around waiting him to just through things in my lap. Everything must be earned and I know meeting him half way will be more of blessing for me in the long run than him just giving me everything I ask for.

Little tidbits of wisdom, mostly to myself.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

-MeMe

Black Butterfly

Today, like most days is quiet interesting. In order for me to escape the mundane of it all I figure that today is just a small lesson getting me closer to the blessing.
Last night, I found my self disheveled, quite distressed, after a conversation I had with my boyfriend. It seems to be an up hill battle I am noticing as it relates to black beauty. Back drop: My mother and father have been separated ever since I can remember and he has been in a relationship with his current wife since I was about five or six. She is a Puerto Rican woman, very pretty with long black hair and fair skin. This to me is what black men deem as beautiful; my father at least deems this as beautiful. My mother, beautiful brown skin woman, brilliant, witty, funny, a little crazy at times, but this I believe developed over time but for the most part truly a beautiful woman. However, the first man I would ever come to know believes or has a preference for women who look “ less African”.

Nonetheless this never affected as a young child. I unlike most dark skin women, loved being dark. I mean my best friend was light skin and I always thought I was the lucky one. We would lay out in the park under the sun, her to get a tan, me to let the sun kiss my skin because I swore it loved me better.
I saw dark women and thought they were so exotic, it was something about them that I absolutely loved, yet the older I got the more I began to realize that everyone did not hold the same sentiment. I grew up in my own world, I made my own rules and never had I felt the lesser of the two skin tone until I met my ex-boyfriend. Do you know this fool reminded me regularly how he always dated light skin girls, how his mother would always joke about how he loved...you guessed it Puerto Rican girls. Me, I was the exception, may be it was my white girl voice, or non aggressive personality that allowed me to slip in, whatever the case I was his token. This fool honestly thought he was light skin; This is not so by any rate. Yet he made me feel lesser of the two. Stupid

Any way in an attempt, again, to go against the grain I went natural and if there is one thing a dark skin girl is vowed to never do is go natural. What ever, I did it anyway and I loved it, I loved me. I still do. I am not a conformist, never have been, never will be. But, that was before boys, that were before relationships, that was before hormones, and before I was exposed to the media. Before, I was spoon fed what beauty was, before the beyonces, before the chritinna milians, before the mya's, before school days. About that... would you believe the first time I saw that movie I laughed because I had no idea what they were talking about. My freshman year in college I saw this movie and honestly wondered if this was real "did light skin girls really think they were the prize, were dark skin girls really that insecure about their skin color...are they serious?

I digress. Like I said that was before the boys. This is where the feminist comes out because I honestly believe that if black women weren't so hung up on black men...as black men are not so hung up on us, then we will save ourselves a lot of headache. There is obviously a deeper "self hatred" that occurs in black men and their diligence to not want to date women that look, in most cases, like their mothers, who are dark skin women. Understand, that it is not that I believe if a black man dates a light skin woman he is suffering from self hatred it is however those that swear that the lightness of ones skin makes them a better choice which to me is psychotic. For example, I may have a preference for successful men, but that is not to say I only date succesful men beacause they are better. I will not prevent my self the opportunity of missing out on a great love just beacause the package is different. Having preferences is innate in us, this is the obvious. What is not healthy however is saying that a light skin woman or other nationalities are better mates because they look less African, nothing having to do with who they are as people execpt that they look less African.

Maybe that leaves me out of the race; I say what ever to that because I want to look as African as possible really. I refuse to allow black men and the media to distort my idea of beauty and pull me into their psychotic rationale. At the same token, I recognize that not all black women feel as I do, and that some really suffer from this internally, forcing them to make bad relationship decisions, have low self esteem, and the most damaging, a feeling of no self worth. Like in some way because they are mores "African" looking they are some how cursed to have no one find them beautiful. This is simply not the truth, what I think the best advice is to give these women is recognize they were made in the image of God and that is beautiful, your self worth and self esteem, love of ones skin completion should not come from a man *literally but God. If black women can get pass that they will notice that simply changing the scenery will provide them with the love and support they deserve
-MeMe

GOD IS LOVE

For the past three days I've been embarking on a 40 day prayer with God. I have committed myself to 40 minutes a day for 40 days and thus far I can not even articulate the blessing that have been occurring in my life. The people around me are blessed, I am blessed, and it is a beautiful feeling. I am learning both through my 40 days of prayer and reading " Your best life now" that I must expand my vision and see my life being as God would see it. Filled with love, happiness, freedom and peace. Let me tell you, this is not as easy as it sounds as live in society that constantly reminds us of how limited we are. But " Greater is his he that is in us than he that is in the world". However I must constantly be reminded of this on a daily basis. The biggest vision I know god is working on as we speak is my desire to have a loving and long lasting relationship. One that is without separation filled with undeniable/unconditional love that stands the test of time. One that is built on Gods word and foundation. I know that there is a very real possibility I am currently experiencing the love of a man that can very well be this vision, but God is testing my faith to believe in him that he will provide such a man. Which he has, yet I will not lie, I have to work everyday not to foster seeds of doubt, or thoughts of " Is this too good to be true"? or is this really him? or This is coming to soon moving to fast am I doing the right thing? Yet through my faith which is growing more and more everyday I realize that what I have in my life occurred not by my works, there was nothing I did to have this, but God who order my steps and allowed us to be,not just physically, but emotionally, spiritually, and mentally in the right place at the right time. What I feel is like no other love I have ever felt, it mirrors how I've grown to love and trust God and being that God is love I know in the depths of me that what we have is of God. Hmmm I'll let that sink in

Don't panic I am not pregnant. I felt like I had to put that out there first.

Graduation is next week Friday and while most are excited to embark on this journey, this new chapter of life, I on the other hand feel like I am falling. Not so much out of control put falling nonetheless. The thought of life after college has cast a dark cloud over this traveler and stripped me of my ambitious spirit. What I do not understand is why? Why am I so scared to start a new life, starting over, running away living by own rules is my dream. Yet when I think about not having the safety net of college I find myself overwhelmed with emotion. All I want is the ability to experience the beauty in life not the mundane 9 to 5 life style. This inevitably is what my near future is looking like. No worries as there is a flicker of silver lining.

I realized in the past four years that I am a little different and I struggle a lot because a part of wants the experience the world while the other half wants to be financially stable and have that amazing job. I want to wear a suit during the day absorbing knowledge teaching then laying on the beach at night or looking out at the wilderness, writing,growing a garden, raising a puppy. I want it all! I want my cake and I want to eat it too! which I believe is possible I just have yet to figure out how exactly this shall occur.

As I lay in this warm place I am comforted.

Knowing that when I am asleep you are with me, and when

I awaken you love me, shelter me from the harsh realities that are soon to come.

While I lay here listening to your soft voice, dreaming while you rub your belly

I imagine what it would be like to touch you, to see you, to hear your voice

Unbeknown to me you were teaching me the great lesson

You can't be here forever...

life has to begin it matters not if your ready

So I keep my hand steady

Trying desperately...to stop the walls from caving in,

I felt the cold stream of air before it ever touched my skin

Life must not be easy

I miss your warmth already, but it matters not it I am ready

life has to begin

inevitably

I'm Sorry I can't be perfect

So the worst and dumbest thing I could have ever done I did. No need to be explicit about the situation because the damage has been done. What I don't understand is the reason why I did it. Honestly, I believe there is some little mean bad Melissa that lives in me and trying to sabotage everything I work so hard to have, and for what? I presume to keep me alone. I hate to say this but relationships really change you. Gene defiantly changed me. Three years ago I would have never done such a thing, I would feel guilty just having it cross my mind, but because of the amount of disappointment I have faced I have inevitably become a disappointment to someone whom I truly care about. Someone I respect and admire, someone who in a span of a few months has figured me out enough and still decided to stick around for the ride. Yet with all that, I still feel numb sometimes and not trusting in what we have because I have been fooled before in believing in a person. So I guess in some ways I tried to bet him to the punch by being a disappointment first before he got a chance to do it me. Was this my thought process? not at the time, I wasn't thinking! may be if I was I wouldn't be where I am now. I feel like shit really. I know this will forever be a chapter in our book that will never, never have an ending and why? because.....of disappointment

BE

Funny how life decides to play itself out. Planting small seeds of happiness, leaving it up to us to nurture and grow. WHAT A RESPONSIBILITY! It is nonetheless an adventure, to have GOD place in our lives what we've always been praying for, just to see if everything he has taught us we will apply.

I think I will try.

I just to happen to have been given a seed and I honestly believe it was meant for me to have. I've dreamt of the moments we shared before they ever occurred and then just like that...it happened I was sitting in a reoccurring dream, only it was really happening.

I love the moments. I live for these moments :)

Growing the Fro

A friend told me that she read an article about going natural and how it is a catalyst to a clearer self image. The article she read to me talked about a time when the "fro" symbolized a revolution, a time when all African Americans became self aware and connected to their inner "god". Unfortunately, as soon as the "perm" look became the norm we lost that. Our entire lives became devoted to looking less like our selves and more like everyone else.

I too was a victim of this mentality, believing my perm and long tracks were a extension of my being. How sad is that? to go through life constantly trying to conceal your true self. Every two-four weeks I went to the salon so that could chemically slap on a mask that I thought made me beautiful. That was until I decided I was done with being a slave to my hair, to those chemicals to those bloody tracks. I wanted to better connect with the true essence of ME. That is when I decided to go natural.

Ive only been natural for about 6 months but it has been one of the most exciting experiences to date. I love MY hair! The way it curls, the way it grows, how it smells when I wash it everyday, how soft it is after I condition it. Even the parts that give me the most grief I love. Like how it shrinks at the drop of moisture, how the back of hair grows faster than the front making styling a choir. It is all mine and I love it.

Strange, today I was going to write about children of absent fathers...ended up talking about how I love my hair. I love how God does that. Makes it possible so that I don't spend time saying woe is me, but inspires me to see the God in everything..


GOD IS TOTALLY BOSS,
meMe

Chasing Pavements

Funny How I continue to do this. Start something, but never finish. It is the story of my life nothing is ever permanent, nothing has ever been. However, I managed to get as far as I have starting alot of things, never really finishing but it all found a way to work itself out.

Today, has been an interesting one. I cried out in frustration but at the end of the day, came home and danced in the mirror for like an hour until I became dizzy and light headed...I mean I am not a dancer. But for some reason I felt like I had to release energy so for that hour I was ballet dancer. Once I was out of breath I laid in front of the mirror and tried to find my self. Ever done that? Looked in the mirror and for a split second you realize that with every thing that's going on in your life you managed to forget to look inside yourself. I learned a lot looking at Melissa. It was the most beautiful experiance looking into my eyes in to depth of my soul. A small glimpse of the "true" me, the untainted soul or pieces of experiences that have collected together to form me that of Melissa.

I tried to write a song, and then a poem, eventually I just wrote my thoughts, then drew picture I felt. I've never felt so compelled to release so much. Even now, as I write I feel as if something in me just needs to realease, so much is bottled up.

Love, frustration, life, confusion, dreams, aspirations, and a tired traveler are all what I am now. Sometimes I feel as I have walked down a million differnet paths just trying to figure out which will work the best. I am falling, slipping, clinching to all that is real to me.

I am pretty sure this will make aboslty no sense once I am done...but that's me ya know. I am so self aware that I confuse my self, how does that happen?

So I am in love with the Idea....that maybe just maybe idk lets not move to fast lol