The Man In The Mirror

During this time of great loss I would like to send my prayers first out to the Jackson family. Underneath the parade of antics that followed him he was still a son, a brother, a father and friend and to lose someone so dear to your heart is always devastating.

June 25,2009 Michael Jackson dies at the age of 50 from cardiac arrest

It is around 3 0r 4pm eastern time and the entire world is watching to find out if the great king of pop will recover from what was described as a cardiac arrest. He collapsed in his L.A home and was rushed to the hospital in a coma. We will soon learn in the coming hours that the UCLA doctors were unable to revive him and he ultimately passed away. The deep feeling of unbelief could be felt across the nation as his life chronicled from his infamous beginnings in the Jackson 5 to his untimely death at the age of 50. However, unlike the many who stood outside the hospital for hours and the fanatic fans who attempted to break into the hospital to get one last look at the Michael Jackson I sat on couch emotionless. I watched CNN, FOX, Local News, E true Hollywood story, bet and MTV and couldn't help but ask my self, Do they really feel as sad as they are portraying themselves to be?

Michael Jackson was a child molester. I do not think I realized how bad it was until I saw the case being played out on the E true Hollywood story that briefly shed light on the many allegations that followed him in the later part of his career.In the end he was exonerated on all counts but I was not surprised. As a victim of such abuse I do understand how hard it is to have to prove a case when it is your word against the abuser and the only evidence you have is the memories that are etched in your mind of the abuse inflicted on you by someone you trusted. In the court of law memories do not count for anything. However, after hearing snippets of the children he abused young and old I knew that this man was in fact a child molester. He had a bad spirit within in him and while he made wonderful music and broke racial barriers his actions towards young boys must not be forgotten. The world may sweep under the rug the man he truly was on the grounds that he was a great artist but the spirits he destroyed for the sake of his own pleasure must not.

This man was broken inside and it manifested in his many attempts to change his outward appearance but at the end of the day God knows the "true man in the mirror" may one day the world wake up and do the same.

Sometimes I feel like a fatherless child

Today is June 17, 2009 and while daughters and mothers frantically overcrowd their local Best Buy, Walmart, or Dillard's for the perfect fathers day gift my grandma,mother, sister and I will be continuing business as usual. We all have what you call an absent father. A man who hung around long enough to make us, but not long enough to shape us. It is for this reason why I write this. My aim is let go of the hate, resentment, anger, and sadness that comes with having an absent father. It is for the years of lessons I had to teach my self about love, intimacy, sex, relationships and men. I write for all of us " for colored girls who have considered suicide/when the rainbow is enuf".

I am third generation absent father child. My life was shaped by hands of woman who suffered deeply from a lifetime of bad decisions made on account that she had no real father figure in her life. With no love shown to her by her mother and no male remodel to build a foundation she stepped out into adult hood ambitious and determined to make the world her oyster. She very well could have had it not been for the emptiness all of us feel as we search for a father replacement. After having me I believe my parents broke up.

To not be a complete dead beat dad I suppose my parents arranged the weekend visits. They exchange were always in places like a parking lot, Miami subs, gas stations or my grandmothers and the worst part was that he was always late. I never arrived to this drop off with a father standing out side the car with open arms and excitement, it was always around 8 or 9 o'clock and my mother and I would be sitting in the car eating snacks talking listening to music or me sleeping and waiting to make my way out of the passenger seat of her car into the passenger seat of his. From that point, before I had a stepmother to babysit me I was taken to various women's houses and I stayed there on the weekend or on Saturdays watching movies, eating junk food or if I am lucky playing with their kids if they had some.

Over the course of the next 14 years this is how I balanced my time between my mother and father. As I became older his new wife began to have children, beautiful mixed girls that he adored. I was subjected to see my father be a father to his new children while taking steps further in the Shadow.

I share this story with you not to Villainize my father or my mother but to show you a cycle. A vivacious chain that connects families of women through the umbilical cord. It is unfortunate and an epidemic that continues to destroy very foundation of the black community. Until black men realize their significance in the lives of their daughters we will continue to give birth to young women that are lost and confused, unable to sustain a healthy relationships with men and will inevitable continue the cycle.

The future of black women

Studies have shown that when children grow up with a healthy family structure, meaning a family where love and respect are shown to both partners, the child will be seek relationship mirror the one they grew up with, I believe this to be true among all species. The same is true when a child is brought into this world without knowing how to develop and maintain meaningful and healthy relationships. This is a critical because black women it seems are the manifestation of what happens when fathers are missing and families are broken. They spend their whole lives searching for the love of a father. It matters not that what they are seeking will never be found and I truly believe in the depths of their souls they know this, but every time a man says I love you, holds them tighter than the last one did, kisses them on the forehead and maybe even holds their hand a little voice inside says " your getting closer".

The consequences of black women seeking and settling for a "daddy replacement" is another generation of fatherless girls why? because the men they decide to father children with never intended to stay long in the first place. To add insult to injury once the fairy tale is over they realize they never knew how to develop and maintain a healthy relationship in the first place. They never spent the time to know themselves to be to themselves what a father was supposed to be and teach themselves by any means necessary what a father is supposed to teach his daughter. Those lessons being
1) Your value comes from within not a man
2) Love your self first because men will always be around
3) Know you are worth more than a kiss on a check, a meal and movie, but that you deserve the world
4) Your man ought to always be there for you just as I have always been

etc ( I do not know what else because I was not taught these lesson but I digress)

To often I find prominent black actors, intellectuals, and public officials doing everything they can to save the black boys. Their are countless programs, after school activities, and even role models to teach African American boys how to step up and be better men. But What about the us? It matters not how "saved" these Young boys become because if African American girls do not learn how to value themselves completely and make better choices when choosing a partner the black community will continue to raise our future video vixxan, prostitute, and strippers.


I know this because I've lived it and continue to see my peers, highly educated black women, make the same mistakes when choosing their mate. They unconsciously recreate the only father/daughter relationship they've ever known. If the father was abusive they will date abusive men, if the father was absent they will date men who have a deep rooted issue with commitment, if their father divorced their mother right after birth started a new family they will have deep rooted insecurities of not feel good enough.


The damage is done regardless of how successful the young woman ever becomes. Until she makes the decision to break the generational curse, until she finds the God in her who never left her side she will have "daddy issue's" that will follow her until she pulls that root out of the ground and cast them over to God. The sad part of this entire saga is that it will take a woman who has taken the time to right the wrongs in within herself to truly overcome. It will take more women to take a hard look at themselves and their environment and make a change then teach us how we too can break this generational curse.


How are we to learn the difference between intimacy and sex? Love and lust? Endearment and convenience? How are we to know when a man truly loves us or is playing his best card? How are we to learn that self worth and self esteem do not come from the attention of men but our self? How are we to know that we deserve more than meal and movie? How are we supposed to know that our bodies are to be respected and not given in exchange for a warm embrace we never received from our fathers? These are lesson our fathers were to teach us, weather he loved our mothers enough or not, when they decided to lay down and conceive us they had an obligation to show us what true love is.

Solution

I am not to sure what the magic formula is to get over this mountain because I too still struggle with the loss. I am 22 and only recently started my journey of self discovery through God and he has guided me to the answers of my life. Which may not be the same for every young black girl. What I do know is someone, anyone, needs to do something about the downward spiral of our black girls. There needs to be combination of men and women to guide them because taking girls from single parent home into programs that completely run by women can only do so much. It is still missing the male figure or at least a blueprint.

Black women hold the key to resurrect the black community, the truth lies in our bellies and unless we awaken ourselves to this truth we will forever be lost.

Hello Morning

This morning was rough. I woke up late from staying up until almost 4am the night before. Studying you ask? well not really. Partying? that would have been nice, but no. How about watching an HBO movie? hmm done it once but not last night. Last night I was up until 4am trying to understand another human being. Then, after all of that I wake up this morning late for work and exhausted. Dragging through every mundane activity that being up at 7am brings. Thankfully I at least got into my car and on my way but before I left I prayed. Dear God! something’s got to give! SOMETHING’S GOT TO GIVE HERE

To give you some insight. I believe we are all spirits in the form of a body sent here to learn and become closer to God everyone has a great work to do, everyone has a lesson to learn, everyone is seeking God trying to understand who we are in him. We are so lost as a human race that we can not even see who we really are, what are purpose is for existence and it hurts me sometimes.

After I made that prayer to God asking him for guidance asking him what is it that he is wanting to see? and Why it is so hard to have people experience the God I feel exists in soul the feeling that goes beyond the bible beyond the doctrines beyond laws beyond the rules and regulations of the church and religion. I sealed my prayer and started an 8 minute drive to work. On the drive I listened on my audio book to Joel Osteen speaking about sewing a seed, being a blessing. He taught that when you’re feeling upset or hurt or like the world around you is falling apart, take your attention off yourself and try and sew a seed in someone else. Very helpful don't you think...so here comes the test.

Some of you may be familiar with face book honesty box feature, but for those that are not I will example to you the feature then the incident. First Face book is social networking utility used by many of people in my generation which is between 18 to 25. The honesty box is a feature that was added about two years ago that allows you to write someone an anonymous message. It is really that simple. So if you ever felt like telling someone you had a crush on them or if you think their ugly or your in love with them etc. you could send it to them and they would never know who it was. Pretty cool right? Not right! This application just allowing very angry people, myself included, to send out messages to say all the those people that ever crossed us, giving them a piece of our mind. It was quiet convenient. However, after about 6 months people stopped using it, I mean it is pretty lame and it got old fast.

Now I am not sure what compelled me to look at my emails while driving this morning because I never do that, normally I am eating oatmeal while driving but like I said I was late. Yet this morning I looked through my message and long behold I receive an Honest box message. The note was not complete in my Gmail thus requiring me to log into face book find the application and read the message. Now, like I said before HB messages are about 98% always going to be directed at you, but this one wasn't. It was a mass message ( I could tell that it wasn’t just sent to me) destroying the character of someone I knew quiet well.
I pulled into work, again looking up to God asking why? What is this? But I remembered what I had just learned and instead of reacting with retaliation I wrote the individual about the God I know. I told them I could not understand why their spirit was so broken that they felt compelled to do such a thing, that I would pray that the find God's light and love and stop being a tool for bad spirits to use for destruction. I asked them to pray that God reveals to them how powerful words are, and how what they were doing was using a gift from God that has great power to potentially destroying another human beings spirit.

Thus, bringing me why I am even writing this because this is the overall struggle that I have been dealing since my freshman year. In the beginning I was told that the my beliefs in a loving God whom I do not believe in the depths of soul wants us to waste our lives condemning others or passing judgment, or even telling others what God approves of and does not approve of was because my studies on the faith were limited. Understandable. So at 19 I started studying, stoped and then started again at 21. However, through my studying, and reading, and praying for understanding, peace, knowledge, and for his face and his will and message to me be known to me has not changed. The faith I have in the depths of my soul has not changed, in fact it is stronger because "the word" many tried to use to dispel this understanding I have only made it stronger.

I implore people to who may disagree greatly and believe God is judging what has been created out of him and in the end only will admit a particular bunch (interesting how everyone thinks they are “that particular bunch) to look to young children like mattie jt stepanek that are suffering so much physically but has god in them, a god that was not created out of religion or doctrine or rules or laws but a God that lives within him. His view on life, purpose, love and God is so pure powerful and if more people saw that they too would see that it is profitless to consuming ourselves WWJD as it relates to gays, or Muslims, or a particular sect of Christianity, rapist, murders, or people who just make bad decisions, sinners and those that condemn sinners. What is important is that we have been given the gift of life, God is in us wanting us to see that we are pieces of him made to share this with the world out of love not fear.

Everyone at the end of the day has a choice to make, this is what I believe God has been trying to tell me all along. That everyone has a purpose and a particular lesson that he has placed on our hearts to work towards and no one can take that away from us. All we have is a seed God has given us to plant and we will ultimately reap what we saw. If I plant a seed of fear I will grow fear if I plant a seed of hate I will produce hate if I plant a seed of condemning or unrightfully judging another image of god (a person) I will reap people unrightfully judging and condemning me. It is that simple, it really is I think.

I charge anyone that comes across this to at least think about that. Ask yourself what am I planting today? and understanding that this seed grows not only all around us and for our benefit but to show to the world that God is real, and like me loves you. I know it sounds a little far fetched to some, and I know that those that believe God would rather us spend our days on earth stoning people at the stack with our words and condemnation of their existence in attempt to bring them to God are working in his will. But why? how much sense does it make to stone people knowing that one day you too will be stoned? and in the end no one will see God. No one will seek the understanding of and image of God.

This is what God compelled me to write today.

Mattie's poem When I die ( part II)

When I die, I want to be A child in Heaven.
I want to be A ten-year-old cherub.
I want to be A hero in Heaven,

And a peacemaker,

Just like my goal on earth.

I will ask God if I can Help the people in purgatory.

I will help them think,

About their life,

About their spirits,

About their future.

I will help them Hear their own Heartsongs again,

So they can finally See the face of God,

So soon.

When I die,

I want to be,

Just like I want to be

Here on earth.